Who the hell cares..

... if Christmas is really fast approaching?

Shopping is the only way I could make myself somewhat happy so I need to go to the mall once in a while, but what the heck! there's already christmas songs playing all over the malls which I really can not take. Okay. I'm being too bitter about it. I honestly do not want that holiday season to come. It's just that, for me, holidays are for happy couples, and I don't belong to that crowd! I feel so awful hearing "silver bells" and "santa claus is coming to town" songs, samahan mo pa ng tagalog na... "sana ngayong pasko ay maalala mo paren ako" whatever shit songs!

ok ok. this is soo not fair!! I can not believe I'll celebrate Christmas alone for the second time! His folks promised me, we'll be together this Christmas, and okay i wanna messaged him some bitchy text messages like. "Hey, do you even know what's the date today? Do you even know Christmas is fast approaching? What happened to your promise? Again, I know you're suffering too.. BUT SERIOUSLY, IF HE'LL NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS WITH ME THIS YEAR, I THINK I'LL GONNA DIE LITERALLY!"

God! I'm feeling helpless. I don't want this feeling. or should I say, i want this feeling to end!

Please NO CHRISTMAS SONGS for me, or even christmas tree or christmas stuffs! Damn it! I'm soo outta here!

We should be apart, babe..

How can you say it's too much already? I really don't know when to stop caring for a person who's been a part of me since HS. I had enough, but still I can't manage to let go and be brave to tell him on his face that I'm happy no more. Ok. Cut the latter part. I actually did last Sat. But, you see he gave in once again and did his lil drama and all. So what's gonna be my reaction after that? Of course, was to be silent and yea, accept the fact that I should stay and wait for whatever shit am waiting for the longest time.

I do love this man. I actually wanna marry him someday. If he's available right now, I'll be the one to insist marrying him right then and there. Yea, I am that stupid and crazy over this guy. As for him? I don't know. I actually do not know if he knows the real definition of what we call L♥VE.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;

love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;

it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

--- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7,13

So there, I must say, yeah, I still love this man. But what am I suppose to do when I really need to let go because I'm fuckin' stressed and hurt at the same time...

Last time we talked about our wrecked relationship, I was totally crying like hell. I got real big eyebags that I barely open my eyes. :( It was indeed one of my saddest nights of my life. Crap! I asked him, how would he kiss me if that night would be his last time to see me. Then he was like really silent and stiff, not even looking at me. To break the silence, I cared to scream, WHAAAAAAAAAAT?? are we going to stare each other until tomorrow or you'll show me how you'll gonna kiss me goodbye for the fuckin' last time...

Then he go like..

There will be no goodbye kiss for us. Because this is not the ending, there will be no ending for us babe.

I'm like..

Fuck that! I really don't care what life will treat me after this, I just wanna be out of this shitty relationship that gives me a lot of pains and heartaches, and frustartions. I seriously wanna die! Can you like kill me, so I could die beside you, I do not want to continue my life after this. I'm feeling crappy and all. What I want is for you to have a normal life with me outside this awful place. I am bloody miserable!

The story ends there, becuase I fell asleep when I was crying. :( I went home by 10pm. It was indeed a tiry day/night. Still am undecided. I don't know where we stand. I feel crappy and bad.

Life.. Oh Life..