Almost goodbye for 2010

So what now? I am so bored with my life. Nothing good is happening to me. I am getting a year older on Friday. What? Should I be celebrating or what? Arg! Are you kidding me? This year was a tough one! I mean, super! I got to think, life's been fuckin' me around. Life's been so much unfair. I couldn't stop thinking why am i dealing with all these shiz! What a lame excuse if somebody would tell me, i was just an instrument for someone to realize the beautiful things in life. Come on! Again, seriuosly? Are you fuckin kiddin me? 

Everything is wrong here. My relationships. O and R. Man, they're both gone. I could prolly say, i am atleast somewhat at peace now but not really happy or feeling blah. You know, just so-so. And who's to blame this? Well what can i do? Life is what you make it, bitch! Fine! 

Everyone's askin me to throw a party! Hell no! My mind's keep on shouting this. Why do i need to celebrate? Im not happy anymore. I mean, when was the last time i felt really happy? I can barely remember. This is the most awful year for me. I am wishing for a job abroad. So God help me please. I don't wanna live here anymore. I'm not liking whatever is happening to me. Actually there's nothing to like coz yea, there's nothing happening really. Love life's fucked up. Work is bullshit. Fam is i dont know, what should i call them, mia? Perhaps yea!

I feel like living in a world with no one. I am alone in here. I am alone in my goddamn world! So suck it up and yea, celebrate with me on Sat! Thanks! Btw, im turning 27 and being 26 is full of shit!

Give me some good vibes 2011! 

Eto yun e

Kung papalarin ka nga naman talaga. Ano bang malaking kasalanan ko sa mundo, bat ganto kahirap ang sitwasyon ko?

Madaming beses ko ng gustong mag-quit. Pero pano sila? Yung bills ko, sino magbabayad nun? Mailalabas ko pa ba ang pamilya ko kung gusgustuhin ko? Ang buhok ko? Mapaparebond ko pa ba, pag unti unti na syang bumalik sa tunay na kulot nya? Maaatim ko bang daan daanan nalang ang starbucks pag uhaw ako sa kape? Sa tuwing may emergency, may mahuhugot pa ba ako?

Kelangan ko lang tanggapin na trabaho nalang ang nagiging rason bakit ako gumigising sa umaga. Teka, haha. Tanga talaga. Sinabi ko na diba, kanina pa? Lahat ng rason bakit ko kelangan gumising at pagpatuloy tong shet na buhay nato. Kase marami nga akong responsibilidad na dapat gampanan, na wala namang aako nyan kundi ako lang.

Tangina mo! magisip isip ka! kung gusto mong magquit sa trabaho. Siguraduhin mong mabibigay mo parin mga luho na sinasanay mo sa katawang lupa mo. Kaya hoy! wag mong abusuhin! Magisip ka! Magmatapang ka kung kinakailangan! Hindi sa lahat ng oras, iintindihin ka ng mga tao sa paligid mo. Hindi sa lahat ng oras, may kaibigan kang anjan para sayo! Kung di ka nga naman talaga isang tanga at kalahati, magmamahal ka narin lang kase, bakit, bakit, bakit ba putangina hindi ko masabi kung anong gusto kong sabihin! Tangina mo ka!

Andami ko nanamang nguyngoy. Andaming pumapasok sa putanginang isip ko. Kelan matatapos to? Sana gabi na. Para matutulog nanaman. Onting luha lang, mapapagod lang naman ako kakahikbi, sabay makakatulog ng di inaasahan. Anjan naman pala si Pong. Tama! kausapin ko nalang ung pamangkin ko, may napapala pakong tunay na kaligayahan. Pero sandaling kaligayahan na hinihiram ko lang.

Sa lahat ng nangyari, wala naman akong sinisising iba kundi sarili ko. Masyado nyo akong minahal. Ano bang putanginang nakita nyo saken, bat sagadsagarang pagmamahal na ako mismo, hindi ko gugustuhing mawala kayo. Ang sakit pag nawala ung kinalakihan mo, kinasanayan mo, ung minahal mo na akala mo e tunay na pagibig na pakiramdam mo imposibleng mawala sa utak at puso mo hanggang sa mamatay ka. O etong, mahal mo siya. Period. Wag ka ng magtanong kung bakit, kase mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay kung di ko siya makakasama habang buhay. Mas matindi un a? Putangina!

Ang sakit sakit na! Napaka selfish ko no? Ako dapat pinarurusahan sa bwakangshet na ginagawa ko sa inyo pareho. Ilang buwan na ba? Paulit ulit na pakiramdam. Drain na drain nako. Wala kayong idea anong hirap tong nararamdaman ko.

Isa pang tulog, makukuha ko na Iphone ko. Salamat may onteng saya nanaman akong mararamdaman. Malamang sa malamang aabot lang ng 3 minutes ang sayang un. E ako pa ba? E ano namang malay ko sa lecheng gadget na yan. Front lang sa mundo na may pinagkakaabalahan ako. Ayoko na!

Sana andito ka. Kunin mo na ko. Ialis mo nako dito. Umuwi na tayo. Wag na tayo bumalik sa mundo. Putangina! Puro ako kalokohan!

Yung seryoso?

I wish you were here. Iba pag andito ka. Isang sabi lang, halika nga. Mahal na mahal kita. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam. Sana maramdaman ko ulit yan. sana marinig ko ulit yan. Gusto kong makita ka. Ang sakit sakit na.

It's not the same without you

owl city vanilla twilight mp3 | lyrics

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Vanilla Twilight
By: Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

I got a text from him, he sent me these lyrics of Vanilla Twilight song. I got teary eyed and started crying buckets in the bus. I know I may be that crazy to show how pathetic I am, crying myself out in that effin bus, but the hell with all the people there, I swear I wanna die that night. I miss him too much. Too much that I wanna screw everything up. Speaking to him using just my head, pleading and asking how we are gonna work things out. The weather was as bad as my emotions then finally the silence broke by his text again. Something worst happened, van, his motor, plus him. BOOM.

I was thinking about you suddenly a van hit me, my bike was messed up. I was thinking I should be dead by this time, but why in the hell I'm still alive? Should I be called lucky being alive?

That's what he said. I called him up immediately. I wanna scream! I wanna help him! I wanna move out and be with him. I WANT TO BE WITH HIM! I wanna live my life loving him!

Ahhhh! Too much emotions! This is making me insane. I need to smoke. Again. Fukc LIFE!

ohhh my god!

It's October now! I know how time flies so fast, but why do I have this feeling that it's taking forever to come to 2010's ending? You know what I mean? ARGGGGGG! Sorry for being non-sense. I am dealing with a lot of shits now, literally, that I myself can not control things anymore. Life's been fucking me around. Everything's shitty and I dont know where should I start to make everything right. Please, I need a break. I need time and I need a company. But what can I do, when someone is willing to hang out with me, I am turning into a monster and end up fighting over something else. I know I'm being rude. I am the meanest person in the world now. I always don't care and I am tired of being like this. It's not me anymore. I am so low. I know I'm in a deep trouble. Probably one day, people will get rid of me. I'm scared. :( I hope that won't happen. :(

Now, as I was browsing this space, I noticed the few notes at the right. And yes, I almost forgot about my goals for 2010 and I think I'm gonna screwed everything. December is fast approaching and I haven't done a lot from it. Maybe I'll be scrapping the ones that is impossible to reach now that I know the ending is so soon. I'll probably start again reaching for those goals. One at a time. Accomplishing everything. Alone. I hope I can.

Good vibes, please knock at my door, soon. Thanks!

Ohh, I should've blog about my new cam, it's one of my goals for this year. :) haaay, thank god, something good to blog about. :)

Suddenly

I miss blogging. I miss being happy. I want to have a long rest. I want to contemplate. I want to go somewhere. A place where no one knows me. A place I could totally chill and have a time only for myself. I know it's hard and this feeling is draining me to death. I hope I could find peace of mind. I am praying hard. So God help me.

Fuuuuuck!

I'm not faking it! I'm just trying to fix things. If you only knew how heart breaking it is for me to see we're fallin apart. I need space. I even want to see a psychiatrist. I'm that desperate for this fucked up relationship. If you can't understand, then go to effin hell! We've come this far man, I know we are legend. But please take into consider the feelings I had when you left. Changes were everywhere. I changed. You changed. Feelings were changed. It's not the same anymore. You can't bring back 2007. It's all done. This is the new me. If you can't deal with it, then fuck off!

I'm freakin' out! YES! I KNOW!

The White Party

I've planned this for so long and yea, thank God, it was SUCCESS!

Invitation for the White Party

Thank you facebook, it wasn't that hard inviting people nowadays.

Who: O N I E
What: Surprise Birthday Celebration and Home Coming party
When: August 29, 2010, 8pm
Where: Central, Soldiers Muntinlupa City
How: White Party

My girls, in action (Thank you for helping me with this :))

Set Up/Plan:
Projector, sound system, balloons all over, cake, talked to the waiters, told the manager what food to prepare, check the guest list.

It was successful! I invited most of his friends, his family, my family, and some of my officemates.

His Family

My Family

High School Batch, SCS

My Girls

The Boys

PCU / PWU's Friends

Mutual Homes, Phase I & II Friends

Soldiers' Friends

My Officemates and their hubbies

Gork, Melay!

Yea, man! Jill!

Thanks Dan, Melay, Jill and Sean! Kisses ♥!

I prepared a presentation, a 10 minute video for him. It's uploaded in FB for those who want watch, click here.

Totee sang my song for O entitled, OO by Updharmadown. That's my song for him since we broke up. Apir Totee!

That's my birthday cake for him. Blew the candle before the presentation by the way.

Bought yellow cab pizzas as well. It's O's cravings. Everyone loved it! Ginawang lumpia, parang limang minuto lang ang limang box. Thanks Richard S. for the discount! Loves!

Thank you Central for the free one bottle of Tequila! Yay!

Thank you to Vanessa B. and Don Alponso D. for giving greeting videos for O. You two are the bestEST! I love you both! To the management of Central, goodjob! Sa uulitin! YAY! For those who came, to all of you who made this White party possible, Thank you so much! Kisses.

Here's my outfit for the white party

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE!

I love you babe, let's get married! CHOS! hahaha

Reunited

August 25, 10pm
Left the house feeling effed up. I know he's home. I was expecting too much. Boquet of flowers, a ring, a big hug from him. He was supposed to be in my house that night, that's what I was thinking then. I cursed him so bad. He failed me once again. I went to a friend's house to smoke and curse like hell! I was about to cry and then my celly beeped.

"Andito nako. Nasa bahay ka ba?"

I called and yelled at him! haha

Thank you Lord, answered prayer. I've prayed for only one thing for the past three years and seven months. I won't get tired of thanking you, dear Lord. Thank you so much. Onie came back.

Our first ever pic after 3 years and 7 months

God's good, all the time! Now I realized, all the things were planned. Something good has to come in God's perfect time. Amen! :)

New beginning

I am thinking of deleting this account. One, because I wanted to start a new life. And two, There's a lot of good memories here about ex. But I thought of not doing so for I know this would help me appreciate good things happened in my life.

So let's begin to appreciate life. Here's the new me with the man I wished to be with for the rest of my life ;)

I knew this would going to happen...

I've been MIA for the past few weeks. A lot of shits happened. It was a roller coaster ride. Little did I know everything's going to it's right places and I thank the Lord God, He never left me since. 7 months. All done. Finished. Need to let go. R and I had the most awesome days together. I always thank him as well for being with me since January. We didn't had a major problem with regards to relationship, I can't say it was perfect but yeah, it was close to it. As I always rave about how sweet this guy and how patient he was all through out. Suddenly August came. I was in panick mode. I knew something's going to happen which R would not totally understand. The come back of the man of my life, O. Yes, my love story always have a spice on it. I'm not proud of it though. Things happened very quickly and I made a decision. To let go. R helped me fix things. He was very supportive. I couldn't think of any nasty things he did that time. He was so calm that I myself couldn't understand. Actually, those ways he was showing me made me realize how hard to choose between them. I can not have this guy again once I ended this relationship. But worst scenarios keep on buggin me. His wife, his kid, and the rest of the shits continue to flow in my mind. I had a mixed emotions. Totally sad and extremely happy. Didn't like the feeling, I swear. It's really hard but R was just an angel. He was really etra nice. He kept his temper and managed to understand every single word I uttered. Then finally, we broke up. We ended the night but my feelings didn't ended there. The story of my life--sucks to death.