Eto yun e

Kung papalarin ka nga naman talaga. Ano bang malaking kasalanan ko sa mundo, bat ganto kahirap ang sitwasyon ko?

Madaming beses ko ng gustong mag-quit. Pero pano sila? Yung bills ko, sino magbabayad nun? Mailalabas ko pa ba ang pamilya ko kung gusgustuhin ko? Ang buhok ko? Mapaparebond ko pa ba, pag unti unti na syang bumalik sa tunay na kulot nya? Maaatim ko bang daan daanan nalang ang starbucks pag uhaw ako sa kape? Sa tuwing may emergency, may mahuhugot pa ba ako?

Kelangan ko lang tanggapin na trabaho nalang ang nagiging rason bakit ako gumigising sa umaga. Teka, haha. Tanga talaga. Sinabi ko na diba, kanina pa? Lahat ng rason bakit ko kelangan gumising at pagpatuloy tong shet na buhay nato. Kase marami nga akong responsibilidad na dapat gampanan, na wala namang aako nyan kundi ako lang.

Tangina mo! magisip isip ka! kung gusto mong magquit sa trabaho. Siguraduhin mong mabibigay mo parin mga luho na sinasanay mo sa katawang lupa mo. Kaya hoy! wag mong abusuhin! Magisip ka! Magmatapang ka kung kinakailangan! Hindi sa lahat ng oras, iintindihin ka ng mga tao sa paligid mo. Hindi sa lahat ng oras, may kaibigan kang anjan para sayo! Kung di ka nga naman talaga isang tanga at kalahati, magmamahal ka narin lang kase, bakit, bakit, bakit ba putangina hindi ko masabi kung anong gusto kong sabihin! Tangina mo ka!

Andami ko nanamang nguyngoy. Andaming pumapasok sa putanginang isip ko. Kelan matatapos to? Sana gabi na. Para matutulog nanaman. Onting luha lang, mapapagod lang naman ako kakahikbi, sabay makakatulog ng di inaasahan. Anjan naman pala si Pong. Tama! kausapin ko nalang ung pamangkin ko, may napapala pakong tunay na kaligayahan. Pero sandaling kaligayahan na hinihiram ko lang.

Sa lahat ng nangyari, wala naman akong sinisising iba kundi sarili ko. Masyado nyo akong minahal. Ano bang putanginang nakita nyo saken, bat sagadsagarang pagmamahal na ako mismo, hindi ko gugustuhing mawala kayo. Ang sakit pag nawala ung kinalakihan mo, kinasanayan mo, ung minahal mo na akala mo e tunay na pagibig na pakiramdam mo imposibleng mawala sa utak at puso mo hanggang sa mamatay ka. O etong, mahal mo siya. Period. Wag ka ng magtanong kung bakit, kase mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay kung di ko siya makakasama habang buhay. Mas matindi un a? Putangina!

Ang sakit sakit na! Napaka selfish ko no? Ako dapat pinarurusahan sa bwakangshet na ginagawa ko sa inyo pareho. Ilang buwan na ba? Paulit ulit na pakiramdam. Drain na drain nako. Wala kayong idea anong hirap tong nararamdaman ko.

Isa pang tulog, makukuha ko na Iphone ko. Salamat may onteng saya nanaman akong mararamdaman. Malamang sa malamang aabot lang ng 3 minutes ang sayang un. E ako pa ba? E ano namang malay ko sa lecheng gadget na yan. Front lang sa mundo na may pinagkakaabalahan ako. Ayoko na!

Sana andito ka. Kunin mo na ko. Ialis mo nako dito. Umuwi na tayo. Wag na tayo bumalik sa mundo. Putangina! Puro ako kalokohan!

Yung seryoso?

I wish you were here. Iba pag andito ka. Isang sabi lang, halika nga. Mahal na mahal kita. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam. Sana maramdaman ko ulit yan. sana marinig ko ulit yan. Gusto kong makita ka. Ang sakit sakit na.

It's not the same without you

owl city vanilla twilight mp3 | lyrics

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Vanilla Twilight
By: Owl City

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

I got a text from him, he sent me these lyrics of Vanilla Twilight song. I got teary eyed and started crying buckets in the bus. I know I may be that crazy to show how pathetic I am, crying myself out in that effin bus, but the hell with all the people there, I swear I wanna die that night. I miss him too much. Too much that I wanna screw everything up. Speaking to him using just my head, pleading and asking how we are gonna work things out. The weather was as bad as my emotions then finally the silence broke by his text again. Something worst happened, van, his motor, plus him. BOOM.

I was thinking about you suddenly a van hit me, my bike was messed up. I was thinking I should be dead by this time, but why in the hell I'm still alive? Should I be called lucky being alive?

That's what he said. I called him up immediately. I wanna scream! I wanna help him! I wanna move out and be with him. I WANT TO BE WITH HIM! I wanna live my life loving him!

Ahhhh! Too much emotions! This is making me insane. I need to smoke. Again. Fukc LIFE!

ohhh my god!

It's October now! I know how time flies so fast, but why do I have this feeling that it's taking forever to come to 2010's ending? You know what I mean? ARGGGGGG! Sorry for being non-sense. I am dealing with a lot of shits now, literally, that I myself can not control things anymore. Life's been fucking me around. Everything's shitty and I dont know where should I start to make everything right. Please, I need a break. I need time and I need a company. But what can I do, when someone is willing to hang out with me, I am turning into a monster and end up fighting over something else. I know I'm being rude. I am the meanest person in the world now. I always don't care and I am tired of being like this. It's not me anymore. I am so low. I know I'm in a deep trouble. Probably one day, people will get rid of me. I'm scared. :( I hope that won't happen. :(

Now, as I was browsing this space, I noticed the few notes at the right. And yes, I almost forgot about my goals for 2010 and I think I'm gonna screwed everything. December is fast approaching and I haven't done a lot from it. Maybe I'll be scrapping the ones that is impossible to reach now that I know the ending is so soon. I'll probably start again reaching for those goals. One at a time. Accomplishing everything. Alone. I hope I can.

Good vibes, please knock at my door, soon. Thanks!

Ohh, I should've blog about my new cam, it's one of my goals for this year. :) haaay, thank god, something good to blog about. :)

Suddenly

I miss blogging. I miss being happy. I want to have a long rest. I want to contemplate. I want to go somewhere. A place where no one knows me. A place I could totally chill and have a time only for myself. I know it's hard and this feeling is draining me to death. I hope I could find peace of mind. I am praying hard. So God help me.