A morning to mourn..

I just finished episodes 7-13 of Season 4 of "The Hills". Wow! I've been online since 8:00am today. Blogging and surfing the net. Nothing to do, i just don't want him to occupy my thoughts. It's not working anyway. :( The reason why I had to wake up was that I got a text message from him. It was a lovely text indeed. It made my morning very very lonely.

hi, im sorry but i cant forget this day and i cant stop myself doing this. im badly missing you babe, i love you still. Happy bday. thanks for everything. - onie

Aww. How in the world I could forget this day? it's nov 10 and we are suppose to celebrate our 103rd monthsary of togetherness. Well, if you could call it that. Hah! yea? how do we call it anyway? I dont know.

Btw, I replied and here it goes...

you know how much you mean to me. I want you to work on your case foirst, once you're free, look for me. By then, let's start a new chapter of our lives. It is hard living without you. I know it's gonna be very very lonely. But i have to do this. Take care of yourself babe. I'll wait for you. Trust me on that. - aiza

It's just sad. really. Ang dami pa namang events na magaganap sa mga susunod na araw. There goes my Birthday on the 26th of this month. Then, I'll gonna be having a long weekend after that because it's Thanksgiving in the states. Then, there's Christmas and New Year. A lot of ocassions that I will ofcourse celebrate alone. The lonesome is killing me.

I was thinking though.. Ilang birthday at pasko pa ang lilipas na wala sya? ilang problema pang personal ang lulutasin ko na magisa? Ilang gabi pang papasok ako na walang kasama? ilang gabi pang tatamarin akong pumasok na wala sya? Sa mga oras na gusto kong uminom at magpakachill sana, wala akong taong mayaya man lang na sabayan ako sa pagdurusa. I'm all down, miserable and lost. He mentioned something yesterday which really touched my heart, nasaktan ako para sa kanya. Alam ko ang paghihirap nya dun, walang may ibang alam kundi ako.

sabi nya..

Gusto ko nalang gumising kung dapat ng gumising. kapag hearing ko na dun ko nalang gusto gumising. pero kahit anong gawin ko hindi naman ako makatulog. ilang araw nakong gising. pagod nako.

Wala akong nagawa kundi yakapin sya. Iparamdam nalang sana na andito ako para sa kanya. Yet, iba narin ang decision ko. Ang lumayo, hanapin ang sarili ko. Alam kong imposible to. Pero sana wala naman kumontra na kaya ko. Di ko kelangan ng komento ng mga taong alam kong wala naman kwenta so sana pabayaan nyo akong magmourn muna for a moment. Hindi madali tong pinagdadaanan ko. Wala akong pakealam kung hindi nyo maintindihan, dahil sa pagkakaalalam ko. I never invade anyone's private's life unless they allowed me so. Kaya sana, pabayaan nyo akong manahimik. Kelangan ko to. Intindihin nyo. For the longest time, tumulong ako sa mga tao, sa mga taong mahal ko, madalas akong makinig, umunawa, magbigay ng advice, makidalamhati sa pagiisa. Sa mga rant nila, pinakinggan ko, mahirap isabay lalo na pag ganto ang sitwasyon ko. Wala nakong lakas para ituwid ang ibang buhay sa ngayon. Kung sarili ko ngang buhay, twisted, papakelaman ko pa ba ang ibang buhay ng tao. Sana maintindihan nyo, at kung hindi man... wala akong akong pakelam.

Boss, pwede magbakasyon? At pede humingi ng pampabakasyon? haha! un natawa din ako sa wakas!