the shits of life

I pause from working and I start thinking about you. And it always left me a touch of sadness. It occured to my mind that once I'm dealing with work stuffs, I promise not to think about you, at least not that often than I used to. There's a heaps of tasks to do, fast approaching dealines to think and a tons of responsibilities to handle. In fact, I still lack time and am really hoping to give effort on these other stuffs that I want to accomodate as well. Aside from work, I wanted to allot time and energy with my friends, family affairs, some other hobbies such as reading (yep, until now haven't finish "can you keep a secret" novel from Geni. LOL what can I do? I have no time at all..), shopping, movie marathons, et cetera.

Thinking of whatever I am dealing right now, imagine how stressful I am having these so-called life style, you still manage to get into my system and play over my mind. You fill my awareness of every memory in our past. I can still remember every piece of our once-upon-a-times, on how your hands landed mine, every sms and phone calls, and heaps of dine outs we used to have. I seemingly reckon, you are such wonderful part of my past. And now, I continue to imagine what life could have been if you're still present and a lot of what-ifs going on in my mind.

Prior to that, Shellie and I had this talk about priorities in life over one stick of yosi, before you came into my thoughts, I was thinking of yeah--what are my real prioroties to be exact? I unconsciously say, as of the moment, it's more on my savings in my bank which is actually zero balance and I must say, this sucks big time! It wasn't my fault if I still need to help out my 'rents and wanted to spoil my siblings for whatever they wanted to have.

The moment we enter the lift, I had this bubble over my head which includes thoughts of my real priority and I think that is the reason why I still have the guts of living in this goddamn world. I actually lied to Shellie referring what's the real deal of me being in the office and continue what the fuck is up to with my everyday shit! My real priority is not the money, it's not the fuck up career, it's not my family either, it is infact, I am still existing and ready to face the consequences of life ahead of me because of you. I am waiting for you. I am waiting for your existence here in my so-called world. I am wanting your presence with every single day of my life.

There was once a friend who taught me of some things about moving on. On how the process works and how you'll go through the process itself day by day. What he said was all reasonable enough for me to get my own life and be ready for different opportunities ahead of me. There's a lot of surprices about life, not only you! At that time, I was like--yeah! That's true, that's even cool, I shouldn't make my self stucked up with such crap which really made my life worthless for almost two years. But then again, as I reached home, I had no one to talked to, I again realized.. NO! Life is about him and me being together and continue taking things slow, remembering there's-a-rainbow-always-after-the-rain just like what the song says! Shit! what's happening with me. I couldn't afford to decide on what should I focus on.. Life without him or continue embracing all the shits we are dealing with?

Darn it! Now am thinking, Forever is not real.. sigh.. :(