No Show

My shift yesterday was so-so. I got to finish some tasks but unfortunately not all. Time's being inconsistent. Late last last week up until Wednesday, it was been very very hectic and fast. Came Thursday, my life's been change and so was my routine, and I was wondering why again. All of a sudden, the real me came back. full of angst, full of questions to ask, no drive for work, lazy, and inconsistent. And I was not happy about that. I want the new me to drive my life consistently. Knowing great outcomes came my way since I started to feel positive. I'd like to continue what I was since I started going to work again.

Negative vibes started to touch my life once again when I received this text from someone, about him. It obviously made my day sucks. I know somehow, I kinda left this issue i have to face behind lately, for me to be able to continue my life without fear, and angst. I wanted to stay calm and ignore the feeling. I wanted to stay positive because I am actually loving my life now. I do not say, I totally forget all about him. For everybody knows my life's going back to same old thing during weekends. So, it doesn't actually count that I totally erased him into my life. In fact, in between my sleepless days, (yes days!) there are times, his face, our memories and past still bugging me and letting me feel, he still exist. I do not feel any shit about that. In fact, it made me smile somehow, coz i guess he's been thinking about me, during nights and days, 24/7 of his life. I was not being conceited here. I really felt that. Because he tells me that every weekends. And by chance I actually feel that feeling without seeing him everyday!

If I'll gonna be totally honest here, I would say. I miss him dearly. I miss everything, and wanting to be beside him once again, made me realize how much I do love this man.

But there's a question been in my mind lately. Again, "how long this would take?" It's been year and a half. Who would ever choose to be in this kind of situation? I admit, most of the time, I feel empty, I feel alone, I feel really sad, and somehow I feel no one is chasing me behind this battle. I was alone facing this fear. No one really knows what exactly I feel about this.

*Sigh

I left the office yesterday at 9:30 am. Travelling from Ortigas to Alabang took 40 mins of my time. On my way home, I was actually thinking if I'll go see him and be with him up until night, (that's actually my routine during saturdays) even my body was dog tired. Considering I rode a bus going to Alabang only, that already answered where am I dealing the rest of the day---at my crib. I chose of staying home instead, and be with my fam since I miss everyone. At the village, when the tricycle's already approaching our humble home, I see my sisters passing by, I shouted at them with a big smile... then they say, "hop on! you come with us." Since yea! I miss the two, I agreed on joining them. My preggy sister will go to the hospital and have her check up, and this hospital is near to his place. Get it? What a sign! Arg! Should I actually visit him? After hospital, we decided to visit my nephnew near the area. Thank God I was able to see this kid! he's actually one of my happiness and strength. That time I still have this go-and-visit-him thought. While we were watching the telly, I fell asleep. I woke up at 7:30pm. We have to go home. We ate dinner first. So, while on our way to the main road, was still thinking if I'll drop by to him just to say hi and sorry of not coming. But decided not to. On his part, he didn't gave me a text or any note about how have he been doing lately. So what's our score now? Are we on fight? Do we have to settle for something? Do we have to patch things up? He didn't know I was having these thoughts anyway, why should he feel mad if ever? HAHA! i'm bloody paranoid!

This morning, I woke up at around 5am. Too early, for I had a loooooong sleeping hours, like all in all i had 13.5 hours of sleep. gee! haha!

I was just waiting for the right time, i'll take a bath, and i'll go visit him. Haha! Oh well, my story continues here...